AND TO THINK I'D ACTUALLY CONSIDERED GIVING UP ALCOHOL

Yes, it’s true: sobriety, as a way of life, had been looking more and more like a viable alternative in recent days. Most people who actually know me would never believe this to be the case, and it’s almost impossible for me to buy such a farfetched impossibility. Nevertheless, one queasy stomach too many, stirred into a nearly unbearable uproar by the almost universal indifference of my fellow booze hounds in the brewpubs, was sufficient -- well, all but sufficient -- for me to resolve to forego the dubious advantages of alcoholic over-medication and the questionable influence of zucchini-brained bar freaks. All I had to do was clear the beery cobwebs from my existential ventilation system and purge my synapses of drink-induced rust and torpidity, and the world would suddenly appear slightly less inexplicable and revolting. Like magic.

Then George W. Bush opens his thin-lipped pie hole, and nebulous thoughts of heading in a dry direction immediately fly out of the nearest fucking window.

Seriously -- how does an otherwise rational human come to mental grips with the exigencies of these times without being measurably inebriated? Just consider the tortured sinuosities of what may or may not be going on here, in the context of Bush’s blubber-gummed “speech” on his “new way forward” from the other day. In theory, his most recent babblings concern his misfired adventure in Iraq, a disaster that has no military solution; but, in actual fact, what we had the supreme misfortune to witness was the launch of a psychological warfare operation aimed at preparing the public for a vastly expanded conflict, one that could eventually consume the entire Middle East. So, on the contrived occasion of a ridiculous little talk on what he supposedly has in mind to bring his illegal war in Iraq to some sort of “victorious” conclusion, Bush trowels out the worst possible idea of all -- an escalation -- and issues virtual declarations of war against two more countries, Iran and Syria. The escalation in Iraq serves to obscure the truth behind what’s coming for the Iranians, grumblings about a “mythical” US intention to attack Iran temporarily distract attention from the Iraqi meatgrinder, while both effectively blot out awareness of what the Neo-Cons are up to in Somalia and elsewhere. All the while, the new Democratically-led Congress reacts to these dangerous challenges by having no real will to remove this out-of-control regime ... oh, and by passing legislation to increase the minimum wage, legislation that Bush will eventually veto.

How in the hell can you stay sober under these circumstances?